Tag: self love

What is NOT care?

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From pinterest https://pin.it/6Hryyzo

It struck me today after an argument what care is. It’s a simple theme that i thought i have understood as everyone else, however as it appeared not quite so.

The argument starts with me saying that i have reached my limit and that i can’t do this(whatever it is) anymore. Instead of them understanding the limit I’m talking about is actually the extreme i was talking about.

They were saying we could all strive to be better and extend the limit.So i thought i have to more affirmative, then i strongly stated the exact same thing again. This time, they say i understand but look how i ignore the bad things; look, how i took a deep breath and move on; look how i endure the hardship. Then i thought it’s still not clear enough for them and said look I’m different i have to take care of myself and then take care of others. And then they said we are all different but it’s family. Finally, as frustrated i was, i realized that they were not caring about my feeling or how i’m actually suffering they were just caring about the idea that they have in their mind that everybody should act just like them.

And i screamed in my head ‘WAKE UP YOU F*****s!!!!! I’M NOT A PIECE OF YOUR IDEAL WORLD’ But alas, I am in their mind.

Take away:

  • Putting others to your standards is NOT caring
  • Thinking everyone else should do what you are doing or be like you is NOT caring
  • Debating what is right and not feeling what he/she is feeling is NOT caring

Please share to people who need reading this, you are contributing to the world for making it better.

Love yourself-Accepting(1)

winderrosyLeave a comment
Soft as dawn

I think i have never loved myself so much since i was born and it happens because of my sister.

I remember that there’s a girl from my primary school who asked me to choose who is prettier between me and her. I being a shy inconfident tiny girl admiring her confidence and how white she is said ‘You’. I wish i can go back in time and tell myself that you are so much prettier from inside out than that little narcissit and how dare she ask you.

I have always been in ‘very grade orientated societies’ in Chinese schools. So naturally that i always felt overshadowed by all the rich kids who have clear goals and good grades including my sister who is not rich but works hard from a toddler with motivation oriented from unknown sources. She being arrogant as she was always looked down on my not enough effort with maths and every other thing that relates to goals, grades and future. She thought i spent too much money on nothing, eating out too much and me being childish visting my friends’ homes. Naturally i took that in. Her doubts becomes mine.

Then i met my mentor a German aka my adopted dad and his family. They took me in with non-judgmental love. It’s the first time i felt really seen i guess. But at that time, my doubt never really went away. A girl once said that why can’t you be more like your sister. She must see me as not enough. So i kept a certain unspoken distance. I would help if she ask but i wouldn’t ask for her help, i wouldn’t come close. From a hindsight, I must have a strong inner protection scheme that detects what may hurt me.

Then i had a boyfriend, with whom i had an unforgettable relationship but i dare say that it’s not too healthy for me. Crushes based on superficial appealings never did me good. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person. He is kind and bizzare. What we had is love but to a certain extent. Because i know to him I’m not enough. And seemingly happy but knowing underneath his heart that i’m inferior to him does some damage to a girl. It was difficult to say goodbye but i now know that pain is so good for my soul. It was protection in disguise.

And now i have a boyfriend who wouldn’t think that i’m not enough, who still loves me after seeing every bit of me and still appreciate me for who i am. Not saying this is perfect, it’s far from it but it’s good and healthy. Just because it’s true and respectful then it’s beautiful to me. And deep down i know taking me in wholly is curing some of my doubt.