What is NOT care?

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From pinterest https://pin.it/6Hryyzo

It struck me today after an argument what care is. It’s a simple theme that i thought i have understood as everyone else, however as it appeared not quite so.

The argument starts with me saying that i have reached my limit and that i can’t do this(whatever it is) anymore. Instead of them understanding the limit I’m talking about is actually the extreme i was talking about.

They were saying we could all strive to be better and extend the limit.So i thought i have to more affirmative, then i strongly stated the exact same thing again. This time, they say i understand but look how i ignore the bad things; look, how i took a deep breath and move on; look how i endure the hardship. Then i thought it’s still not clear enough for them and said look I’m different i have to take care of myself and then take care of others. And then they said we are all different but it’s family. Finally, as frustrated i was, i realized that they were not caring about my feeling or how i’m actually suffering they were just caring about the idea that they have in their mind that everybody should act just like them.

And i screamed in my head ‘WAKE UP YOU F*****s!!!!! I’M NOT A PIECE OF YOUR IDEAL WORLD’ But alas, I am in their mind.

Take away:

  • Putting others to your standards is NOT caring
  • Thinking everyone else should do what you are doing or be like you is NOT caring
  • Debating what is right and not feeling what he/she is feeling is NOT caring

Please share to people who need reading this, you are contributing to the world for making it better.

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Cruella: the self discovery journey

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Photo by Jhefferson Santos on Pexels.com

It may seem like how a little girl becomes a devil at first sight. But on second thought, it may well be a story about a girl established her value system.

In the later half of the movie, cruella started to feel a little bit like Baroness who would get rid of anything or anyone who becomes her obstacle. She would get things done without caring for anything else not even her family. At the blink of losing her only family existed, she knew that she messed up. Afterwards, she realized that she is the one who chooses what sort of person she wants to be and that person is anything but her birth mother. She is smart, she’s not afraid to ask her well established network for help. She created this well designed trap for her mother to fell in for a long awaited righteous consequence. First, called the cops. Then, she showed herself as Estella, blew the whistle luring the dogs to her. You might think the tragedy will happen again. But with the same blood line she has the power to sit them down. While them talking, their audience is gathered around by cruella’s helps. Her witness and law enforcement are in place. Time to reveal who her real mother is under the garment. As predicted, Baroness pushed her down the cliff and got locked up. Although with the death of Estella, there born a Cruella who’s a talented trouble maker with whole lot of heart. Cruella is not cruel, she’s just an advanced version of Estella who could make a path for herself, who doesn’t need to hide who she really is and utilize what she’s the best at and most importantly who knows what to become.

It’s inspirng. It encourages viewer to break free from the toxic family to find their own path. In reality, it’s so much more difficult. But it’s a tale to aspire.

Good night.

Problems unsolved

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I’m more like a problem avoider. I’m not particularly ashamed of myself. It’s a scheme i developed to survive to protect myself. Then a lot of times i decided that i need to change as it’s not working for me as efficient as other schemes. I want to communicate better, but a lot of times i’m stuck in the castle i built for myself with layers of anger and self-esteem. Nevertheless, the urge to change and to be better than i was yesterday has always been there buried under.

I came to realize or the fact just slap me in the face, to be more specifically, that i tend to withdraw while i’m in an argument. I wouldn’t take a moment from the feelings that raged through me like a wild fire. I could only guess that it makes me feel powerful by not giving what my boyfriend wants: communicating. I couldn’t look at the problem clearly blinded by the emotions. To change, i have to force myself take a deep breath, take a step back and analyze the problem and talk through with the person.

I read in a tiny article that what the girl would do is to watch some series on Netflix with his boyfriend and discuss the plot with him, by this they would realize the problems in tone and attitude. Once the boy asked the girl about a certain detail in a show, and the girl said i haven’t watched, how possibly would i know. Then he said: oh you’re quite impatient. The girl continued to write: i don’t mind him pointing out my problem, because i want him to be my mirror and push me to be better. And i was like, WOW, atta girl, I need that attitude!

I want to be a better woman for me and for him. Rome is not built in one day, it needs patience and structure. To be continued.

Love yourself-Accepting(1)

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Soft as dawn

I think i have never loved myself so much since i was born and it happens because of my sister.

I remember that there’s a girl from my primary school who asked me to choose who is prettier between me and her. I being a shy inconfident tiny girl admiring her confidence and how white she is said ‘You’. I wish i can go back in time and tell myself that you are so much prettier from inside out than that little narcissit and how dare she ask you.

I have always been in ‘very grade orientated societies’ in Chinese schools. So naturally that i always felt overshadowed by all the rich kids who have clear goals and good grades including my sister who is not rich but works hard from a toddler with motivation oriented from unknown sources. She being arrogant as she was always looked down on my not enough effort with maths and every other thing that relates to goals, grades and future. She thought i spent too much money on nothing, eating out too much and me being childish visting my friends’ homes. Naturally i took that in. Her doubts becomes mine.

Then i met my mentor a German aka my adopted dad and his family. They took me in with non-judgmental love. It’s the first time i felt really seen i guess. But at that time, my doubt never really went away. A girl once said that why can’t you be more like your sister. She must see me as not enough. So i kept a certain unspoken distance. I would help if she ask but i wouldn’t ask for her help, i wouldn’t come close. From a hindsight, I must have a strong inner protection scheme that detects what may hurt me.

Then i had a boyfriend, with whom i had an unforgettable relationship but i dare say that it’s not too healthy for me. Crushes based on superficial appealings never did me good. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person. He is kind and bizzare. What we had is love but to a certain extent. Because i know to him I’m not enough. And seemingly happy but knowing underneath his heart that i’m inferior to him does some damage to a girl. It was difficult to say goodbye but i now know that pain is so good for my soul. It was protection in disguise.

And now i have a boyfriend who wouldn’t think that i’m not enough, who still loves me after seeing every bit of me and still appreciate me for who i am. Not saying this is perfect, it’s far from it but it’s good and healthy. Just because it’s true and respectful then it’s beautiful to me. And deep down i know taking me in wholly is curing some of my doubt.

Car – a memory vessel

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Once off work I looked back and see one similar car and joked with bf that sb stole it to see me.

I never thought that I would be sad over the selling of a car by my boyfriend. It’s like the  vessel of all the moments we spent together. It’s the car that he took me out the first time. It’s the car that I puked in for three times after he tried to get me to drink a cocktail after a tequila shot. It’s the car we had our first kiss in. It’s the car that got me to live with him for the first time. I still remember he put my luggages in the trunk that’s not that big but big enough for all my backpack and one big suitcase. I remember how shiny it usually is after he washes it.

 There’s not always happy memories that it carries. Once we fought so hard and he left me in the car to drive home alone and he wanted to take a bus home. Then he became worried about whether if I can drive home alone and came back for me to drive me home. It’s  hideous but it’s a big moment in our relationship.  There are many fights that happened in the car as well as the many apologies entailed. It witnessed the ugly sides of ours and somehow imprinted in it.

I didn’t realize it’s gone until that women who bought the car went into it and try to figure out how to operate it. This is the moment that hits me the most. I know from now on that the person behind the steering wheel won’t be the man that I love so much. This car will never show up on the opposite side of the road where my school is to pick me up when I cook late on Wednesday. I won’t be able to practice driving in it anymore. It will witness another boy’s life story, his victory and loss but maybe not another vomit incident. It won’t be part of my life anymore. I knew I can’t watch the transition so I left the garage and came home to chew on the pain. It doesn’t make so much sense, but it’s part of my life story and the pain reminds me that I’m alive. The pain will be less. And I will know I can get over it.

Mysterious things in William Angliss

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Sometimes I feel like there’s a little naughty fairy messing with me. Based on what happened in the past few weeks you can certainly conclude that or that I’m extremely unorganized. But I prefer the first explanation it makes me feel better simply to put it.

Date back to 21st century third of June. Wait, a bit background. We’ve got papers that we need to bring to practical classes and have chef signed off and then upload on to school system. So that’s what I planned to do, but something unexpected happened. Right after I have the chef signed off my papers and put everything into my folder, I couldn’t find my paper which mean my whole file folder went missing. I looked for it everywhere, my bench, floor, the drawers below my bench, and the tiniest creek in between the bench and my stoves for twice and it was still nowhere to be found. I ‘ordered’ my classmates to check their bags and if I can I would check every one of them. Even some boys showed me their bags no one reported my folder’s location.

It’s nightmare since I was in primary school grade third all over again. At the time there was a boy who stole my homework erased my name and put his name onto it so as not to do the homework. I don’t know if it’s the case now but it could be one of the explanations you know. And then I came that Saturday wondering whether I can find it if I check one more time that kitchen I was in. And I was right. It was right there on the teacher’s bench so solemn and lost. I put it in my bag with great care and claiming it as my number one baby.

Fast forward to today. Each of us have a locker in our school. I know all of you who went through western education know this but just to fill asian kids in if even they are reading this. Right after I unlocked my locker and took my shoes out and try to put back my stuff I realized my lock went missing, usually they were always attached to my key well not today. And I find everywhere pants pocket, bag pocket under the changing room bench, as expected I had no luck. Until the end of the day when I took out everything, I found it sitting in the corner missing his holes that he locked up so dearly.

Similar stuff, I had practical classes. I did what chef showed us, crumbing the chicken and then put them in the fridge in the same bowl where I took it out to chill it. After a while I came back for it like a mom came back for a kid playing in the park only finding it taking off all his clothes, the chicken Kiev is now naked as a baby! Imagine my anger and shocks, seriously I might be more angry than that mom. Some moron can’t even remember if he/she crumbed his/her own Kiev and mistaken the place he put it! But I just go with it, as the system won’t punish the wrongdoer. So what’s the point, right？

Tell me there’s no fairy being naughty. I dare you.

What is love❤️💋?

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By: Andrea Karr Source: Heart image: photosteve101/Flickr

It’s so damn difficult, you’re building something with a totally different person with different family, eating, sleeping thinking habits. But if you are thinking about relationship and just might need a bit push.

❤️Love is fighting, for stupid reasons, because of the insecurity in me.

❤️Love is taking a step back, it’s the moment you come to hug me even when I’m wrong during the fight.

❤️Love is forgiving, it’s  the moment that even after we had a total big fight and he still calls from work.

❤️Love is company, which comes with the loneliness when he is not here (which makes love even more cherish-able).

❤️Love is getting each other, it’s when you were thinking he should come home and there he is, at the porch, slowing down ready to park;  or when you’re thinking about him, then he calls. 

(Afterthought this shit is magical)

❤️Love is scolding, it’s making you realize your own bad habit making yourself a better person.

❤️Love is the peace of sleeping at night, I get 3 more hours of sleeping when I’m with him. (It’s just me or could be quarantine sleeping pattern)

❤️Love is compromising, even knowing he wouldn’t get a nap before night shift still taking me for the shopping. (You’re thinking : Shopping as one of the few ways of getting out of the house, you’re right)

❤️Love is reminding each other, of course it comes with the blaming forgetting to remind.(benign)

The list could go on.

All in all, it’s every moment you have with that very person that makes love what it is.

Let me know what you think love is and the problems you have in relationship~💋

How I date with different culture background?

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I thought things would be easier with my second relationship with my current boyfriend who is from Sri Lanka. But it’s not. It only got more difficult with the widened experience gap.

So I guess you have guessed what I’m trying to say. Dating is not only about the cultural background, its also about identifying the experience gap between you and your partner. Because the seemingly blinding cultural background is consisted of the family environment and the society this individual developed in and more importantly the very personal experience and preference.

For example, I would have thought Germans have not much culture similar with those of Chinese but their personalities would be in more common place with Chinese as we both work hard and kind of reserved. But I can’t be more wrong.

Since my ex German boyfriend spent two years with his parents in China, he knows the culture and food a bit. I was so surprised he really likes dim sum. And for the dinner of 23th of December last year they had dim sum and Dumplings! So hard to believe! Though he didn’t learn any Chinese except for those swear words.Regarding personalities, he is something else. He’s more crazy than anyone I have ever known before. He studies acting which explains a bit. He quit acting 3 days before he finishes it. He can be so not organized as he would not bring his homework to uni even he finished it. And list goes on. In the end his craziness set a lot of problems.

As my current boyfriend is from Sri Lanka. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t know it exists until I met him. But after I learnt it’s a country in Asia, to be exact it’s South Asia but still part of Asia right? Should be fine. Personality wise, it’s all fine. He’s not crazy at all, a nice dude to be with. However, he was brought up eating rice and this habit has not changed an inch since he came to Australia. He’ll be so unhappy if he doesn’t eat rice for one meal. And he can’t live without chicken. Although I grow up eating rice and chicken as well, but I’m always up for something new.The fact is that he eats other meat and vegetables so little that I find it a challenge to cook every time out of his extremely narrow food range.

It’s a problem? It is. Is it serious? Not that much. Not that I thought so at first. I was really trapped in the thinking that we can’t navigate through that habit. But in the end his thinking released me from my own cage. That thinking mode is it’s not something wrong with the relationship it’s more about a fact based problem. There are three points to be done about it, once you do it you are half way through.

♡ Instead of blaming each other, talk openly about the problem

♡ Think of possible solutions to the problem that have both of your interests in mind

♡ Execute it and be patient with the process

There’s no doubt that you will put much efforts into solving the problem however it’s a eating habit difference or communication gap that have been in you guys for decades. With time goes by you’ll be happy to see how both of you grow from it and how your relationship benefits from it.